Friday, October 15, 2010

Stress and soul searching

No WOD today. This was a heavy week for my weightlifting meet prep (90% of max), so I wanted to be careful not to overdo it on volume and intensity. My plan for each week until the meet is:

3 Oly lifting sessions (Tuesday, Thursday, Sunday)
3 WODs (Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday)
1 climbing session (Friday)

So today is - climbing day! I love it, look forward to it so much. Just decided last-minute to go with my climbing buddy at work. I really want to focus on getting my technique better so that I don't just burn out my muscles (which I spend all week doing anyway) and so that I can see improvements over time. This means swallowing my pride and doing some easier climbs or taking more breaks in a tougher climb. Plus, the climbing should be complementary to the other stuff I do, not just more grinding through pain! I really want to improve flexibility, balance, mobility, and confidence in movement. I also want to use climbing as a stress release - something that I do for fun and to make myself feel good. The pressure I put on myself in the gym makes training more like work and less like play, and I need something that is strictly play.

I also need to dial in my nutrition a bit more. I've been busy and tired and not planning out meals very well. Now, I do not use that as an excuse to fall off the Paleo wagon - no one should! But it does mean that I down too much coffee and dark chocolate to get me through the day, and I reach for nuts/fruit/sweet potato chips too often when I should have some meat and veggies instead. I'm working on some make-ahead/prep-ahead meal ideas - will work on those this weekend and I'll share them with you next week. At times like this, when I'm training hard and feeling stress from a lot of directions, I'm so glad that I have good nutrition to fall back on. Without it, I think I would be pretty sick right now.

I've been doing some soul searching lately. I wish I loved my job. I like a lot of things about my job. It's a nice validation of all the work I did to get my degree, because I wouldn't have gotten this job without my degree. And I need my job, cause it pays well and I have a big-ass mortgage. In theory, I love the work we do, research to support our armed forces. But...something is just missing. Defense contracting doesn't always lead to real products that get used by the military. By its nature, research is often exploratory and leads to lots of dead ends. And the system is imperfect and full of bureaucracy and waste.

I'm a very driven person, and at times I have felt extremely driven at work and have accomplished big things. But not lately. Lately I'm on super slow speed, forcing myself to get through the day and counting down the hours till I can go work out again. It's hard to get motivated when I feel like my work will never amount to anything real. My passions are more about health and nutrition, training, writing, knitting and creativity - the stuff that shows up here on the blog. Really, I am an open book - if you're reading this blog, you know me pretty well.

I don't know what to do. My house is for sale, but there is no interest yet. Even if/when I do sell it, and if I decide to downsize or maybe rent for a while to lower expenses, I'm not sure it would be wise to give up an incredibly flexible job that I'm pretty good at, that pays well and has really good health benefits. I've worked hard to get where I am, and I'm not sure I want to give up what I've earned. Starting a new business or a new career is extremely demanding, and even though I have no shortage of ideas and work ethic, I'm not sure I'm that willing to take the kind of risks that you need to take to be successful.

I guess there's not much I can do right now. I do have this blog as an outlet, which helps. I'm trying to think about small ways I can spend more time on the things that are most meaningful to me, to possibly start a foundation for bigger things in the future. For example, I would love to do nutrition consulting, and I'm thinking about ways I could do this on a small scale, in my downtime. Another example is writing. I want to write about the things I am passionate about. So I'm examining some options for self-publishing, as a way to get my feet wet. Also thinking about more things to work on for the CrossFit Journal. It felt extremely rewarding to get that publication, and I loved how the study and its publication helped me make a connection to other CrossFitters out there and helped strengthen my connection to CrossFitters I already know. I feel like my effort earned me some unexpected respect, and that felt good.

Anyway, just a kind of brain dump there. I'm probably not making much sense. But I'm going to try to get caught up on life and continue to do some soul searching. And I'll keep posting plenty! As always, thanks for reading.

1 comment:

rosanne said...

Wow! Where to start...I love the fact that you are so passionate about the "other" things in your life, other than work. I would love for you to be able to combine the research, writing and CrossFit altogether. I believe that truly can happen for you. You just need to jump in and start swimming! You should go for it! Go for something you are passionate about!