Saturday, June 20, 2009

Survived (again)

Survived the Mt. Sanitas Challenge. This was my second attempt at running Sanitas (see here for first attempt back in October), but this time there was a little more than just the run. We biked from the gym to the trailhead (about 5 miles?) ran the loop, then biked back to the gym, then did a workout:

row 1000 m
for every second over 3:45 on the row, do a burpee and a pull-up

My times were:
1:55 for the bike+run+bike
4:25 for the row
some lost time before and after the row
total time after all of it (including burpees and pull-ups): 2:14 something

I PR'd my 1k row at 4:25 (prev. 4:29), great to PR but I still owed 40 burpees and 40 pull-ups. Not sure how I got through that, I almost walked out to the car after the row, but I didn't want to go through all that and not finish.

I didn't run much of the uphill, just walked as fast as I could, ran most of the downhill where it wasn't too steep. I think my run time was considerably faster than last time, but I don't know for sure because I only got the time for the bike+run+bike. I was reasonably happy with how everything but the bike went. I have a ton of fear on my bike due to an accident that I have never psychologically recovered from and due to me being a huge chicken on top of that. Because I was afraid, I went very, very slow on the bike. I'm frustrated that I let it get to me so much when it wasn't a hard or scary ride at all.

I know it's a pretty big accomplishment to get through all that, but I'm still left feeling disappointed. I was the last to finish by a pretty big margin (Mike was close but that's because he was nice and stayed with me the whole time.) I don't mean to be a bad sport, and I know I should focus on my own improvements and not compare myself to others, but I just hate that I've been training hard for almost 10 months now (and especially hard the last couple of months) and I'm still always last, always the worst one. I hated today when everyone was done and people were cheering me on and it just made it sting even more. I just wanted to finish by myself with no one watching because I felt so humiliated. It almost feels patronizing, and I know that's not how it's intended, I know everyone is just nice and wants to encourage everyone to finish, and if roles were reversed, I would do the same thing. But it still stings. I don't want to just survive a challenge, I want to be good. I want my hard work to be reflected in my performance. But then I have to question myself - did I really work that hard? I took it easy on the bike so I wouldn't freak out too much. I walked on that loop. I went slow down the steep parts. I took a rest before and after my row. So I don't know. I can play the victim all day, but it really comes down me and what I do. And I guess it disappoints me because I know could do more, and that's probably why I'm last.


Margaret said...

Amy, One of the things that I respect about you is that you persist through even when you're freaking out, you refuse to allow yourself to be less and thus you are becoming more.
the other day in class I witness with shock two people just stop doing the WOD they decided that it was too hard and just stopped, I couldn't believe it..You don't give up on yourself, you are amazing, better, stronger, faster.

Amber said...

Hey from a fellow knitter, and crossfitter. I'm just getting into it (doing my basics/elements classes now) but I already love it :)I've learned to not give up, just modify and keep moving, it's all you can do!

jmcmanus said...

Amy- I thought I was always last. Jim

BB said...

Gosh, you are hard on yourself. I think you work really hard and it shows. Jennifer from crossfit.